Today with Easter (another milestone to face) on my mind and my heavy heart that I lugged along with me, I went out and caught up with some truly wonderful friends. I concentrated hard on keeping my s*** together, smiled and enjoyed being in the fresh air in their company sharing and venting as my oldest son probably ran riot during the moments I’m guilty of not watching him properly. In my fragility of today I could have seemed distant and possibly rude to some lovely people I know who were also at the place we were. If I saw you today and was- I’m sorry! The whole time in the back (and front!) of my head I was thinking how different things should be right now.
Today I held a friend’s baby who was born within days of Elliott’s due date. She was tiny and just gorgeous and holding her filled me with a beautiful warmth and a great pain at the same time. As I walked with this tiny baby in my arms checking on my other children playing I had an image of myself walking around with Elliott the same way. The hurt inside sharply stung me as I felt that emptiness and knew how broken I still am instead of that happy person I was before. The bittersweet reality of holding this precious beautiful baby who will call me Aunty, but not being able to pass my friend mine in return today.
Today I burst into tears to my friend while I was holding her baby and said it was unfair. It’s not unfair that my friend has hers but it is unfair that I don’t have mine. It’s unfair that we won’t be raising them together as we should be. It’s unfair that our babies were going to be so close in age but we won’t spend years to come being able to swap stories of them as they grow. She asked if I wanted her to take her baby from me but I said no, because I so badly miss being around babies everyday and I so badly miss holding a baby. Luckily my friends today understood that the hurt I feel is no reflection on how I feel about her baby. We both know it’s not her fault I have this pain and we both know it’s not mine either.
Today as I burst into tears my friend didn’t find it awkward or get uncomfortable, she just opened her arms and hugged me while I held her baby and cried for mine.