To our darling boy Elliott,

Daddy and I wanted you so much, with every fibre of our being, every cell of our body. We loved you from the moment we made you. Every kick we felt, every heartbeat we heard.. it filled us with so much love and joy. We will continue to love you always with everything we have and with every beat of our heart.

We chose the middle name Ryker for you because it means strength. Your strength and will is like nothing I’ve ever known before. You fought so hard to the very end and we couldn’t be prouder or more amazed by you. I am so thankful and honoured to be your mummy, and will carry that honour with me forever.

I watched you enter the world and from the second I saw you I was filled with euphoria, just like when your brother and sister were born. You were so tiny but oh so perfect and beautiful. I held you and kissed you and a warmth enveloped me.  Holding you in my arms, on my chest, it felt like the rest of the world disappeared. The pain we were feeling left us for a while and all we felt was love. A pure, protective, overwhelming love. I saw a perfect quote that said “I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine”. It’s true, I will, I promise you that. There will never be a single breath or moment I won’t be thinking of you, loving you.

Daddy, your sister Emma and your brother Ashton all love you so very much too and we are so thankful and grateful we got to meet you and have precious time with you. The time we had, although not enough, will be some of the most cherished moments in our life. Every second we had with you is a gift, every second of the 21 weeks I had you inside and the time after, so thank you for giving that to us. I often close my eyes and revisit the times where I would lay in bed with my hand on my belly feeling you kick or the moments I held you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you inside safely long enough. What I would do to change this if I could. No pain could ever match the pain of saying goodbye to you.

I miss you so much…I wake up every morning missing you and I go to sleep every night missing you. I miss you through the day and I even miss you in my dreams. But I can feel you with me, in the heaviness that my heart now feels every second of the day, and know it is heavy because you are in there. I don’t quite know how to live without you yet, and I know I’ll never be ready to do so.

Know I want to honour you- your life and your memory. Know I want to give you a legacy that you never had the chance to carve out for yourself. Know I want to make you proud. Please know I am trying hard to find the strength and the ways to do that.

You will never be forgotten. We will light your candle and say your name, we will sing (even if it is with a sad heart) on your birthday which is also your angel day. We will look up at the stars and find the brightest one and think that must be you. We will watch your tree grow in the special place of our garden dedicated to you and add stones we write on around it. We will say goodnight, good morning, I miss you and I love you out loud for you to hear. We will celebrate you and mourn for you for the rest of our lives.

I wish and hope with every part of me that you are somewhere peaceful and happy, and that you know how truly loved you are.

Forever and ever, I love you.

Until I get to hold you in my arms again,

Your Mummy

xoxo

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3 thoughts on “To our darling boy Elliott, Love Mummy

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