Celebrating love

10 years ago I married my high school sweetheart, the man of my dreams, my best friend, my soul mate. The day after we got married I said to Adam, I want to do that again. He laughed and said something along to lines of “oh dear god” and we agreed right there on day…

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A heart shaped cloud

I often find myself looking up and out now. I look for the beauty that this magical earth has to give and remind myself how lucky I am to see it. More so, I’m always searching for signs of him in it. A few weeks ago I looked up (as I often do) while I…

Grief brain

Everyone knows what “baby brain” is, but what about grief brain? I had never heard of it and found myself questioning if in fact I had completely lost my marbles after our baby died. I knew my heart was broken but was my brain as well? Yes I knew I’d be completely devastated. But disoriented?…

Finding the new me

No one told me I’d look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back. That overnight I‘d become a stranger in my own body, a body I could no longer trust. I felt completely hollow and although I was breathing, i wasn’t sure if I was living. I smiled and laughed for our…

Bittersweet Mother’s Day…

While Mother’s Day brings so much love, joy and happiness to my heart, it also stings painfully. It brings the raw devastating ache to the surface as my heart screams out to hold, see & kiss my baby. I often feel guilty stating how difficult or bittersweet days like Mother’s Day can be when there…

His spot…

This photo was taken the month before Elliott was born, on our regular breakfast date by the beach. I remember how sick I felt and how I struggled to get out of bed many days crippled with awful morning sickness. I remember putting on a bright lipstick I had to hide how terrible I felt…

Due Date Anniversary

When you have a preterm baby who dies, your original due date becomes seeped in pain. It becomes the marker in time that symbolises everything that could have been but never was. While it is never a simple given, I can’t help but think IF my baby was born around his due date instead of…

Waves

Grief hits you in waves. Sometimes you can forecast their arrival around significant dates or known triggers. Sometimes they sneak up on you for no apparent reason at all. Some cause ripples at your feet but the worst waves crash down hard, knocking the wind out of you, pulling you under the sea of grief.…

We did not lose our baby

We did not lose our baby, We knew exactly where he was. He was in my womb where I nurtured him, protected him, nourished him and loved him. Then with pain and terror, strength and love, I pushed him out into the world where he never made a cry. We did not lose our baby,…