His spot…

This photo was taken the month before Elliott was born, on our regular breakfast date by the beach. I remember how sick I felt and how I struggled to get out of bed many days crippled with awful morning sickness. I remember putting on a bright lipstick I had to hide how terrible I felt…

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Due Date Anniversary

When you have a preterm baby who dies, your original due date becomes seeped in pain. It becomes the marker in time that symbolises everything that could have been but never was. While it is never a simple given, I can’t help but think IF my baby was born around his due date instead of…

Waves

Grief hits you in waves. Sometimes you can forecast their arrival around significant dates or known triggers. Sometimes they sneak up on you for no apparent reason at all. Some cause ripples at your feet but the worst waves crash down hard, knocking the wind out of you, pulling you under the sea of grief.…

We did not lose our baby

We did not lose our baby, We knew exactly where he was. He was in my womb where I nurtured him, protected him, nourished him and loved him. Then with pain and terror, strength and love, I pushed him out into the world where he never made a cry. We did not lose our baby,…

Santa’s gift

Last year I couldn’t watch my two earthside children get their photo with Santa done. 7 weeks before I gave birth to our beautiful second son. 6 weeks before we had to hand him over and took him home not in our arms as a baby but as stardust. In the weeks leading up to…

Elliott’s last day

This day last year was our last day we had with Elliott, the day he was turned to stardust. Today hurts beyond belief knowing it was the last day we held him, the real start to the new beginning on a different life we never wanted. This is our story of that day.   The…

Happy birthday

Today is Elliott's 1st birthday. The last twelve months have gone by so quickly in a lot of fog and blur. We've reached (and lived in) emotional heights of despair, desperation, sadness, loss, anger, pain, questioning, guilt and disbelief that we didn't know were possible. We’ve also discovered the true strength in ourselves, as a…