9 months on..

At the start you count in days, then weeks, finally moving to months. One day we'll even count in years. Unexpectedly at the 9 month mark I suddenly feel like I'm back to counting in weeks. This time in a countdown to the one year mark. In the last few weeks I've had lots of…

Let’s talk about miscarriage

Since starting to talk about Elliott I have found it has opened up the conversation to me on earlier losses as well. Stories of pain, isolation, heartbreak and grief.It's time to discuss miscarriage and look at it for what it is- the loss of a baby. For too long miscarriage has been seen as a…

Pregnant Friends

Half a dozen people I know were pregnant at the same time I was with Elliott. We were adding to the next generation to grow up together close in age. How perfect it would all be. Then life threw us a major curve ball and changed all that when my membranes ruptured (waters broke) early…

Re-evaluating STRENGTH

People kept saying "oh you are so strong" but I felt anything but. I was broken, tired, angry and in pieces screaming out in pain. I felt like my world had fallen apart, was struggling to get out of bed and wasn't sure how it was possible to ever see any light again. Every time…

7 months on…

7 months... Every month on the same day (the 28th) no matter how good the day or week was, as the night draws in I'm brought back to the fact time is passing. Another milestone to hurdle over when I never trained for jumping such heights. I'm glad to say I'm having more genuinely good…

Sea glass and crystal hearts

I heard a talk from a bereaved mummy who said our grief is like sea glass. It starts as a raw broken piece, with sharp edges that is painful to hold and easy to cut us. But as every wave crashes down upon us the edges smooth a tiny bit. Our grief won't ever go…

To bereaved mummies on mothers day

Dear mummies with angels,  Tomorrow might be filled with love, warmth and pride, pain and darkness or a mix of all. I know it's a day that might hurt so very much as all we want to do is have (all) our children with us in our arms. I am so sorry. I am also…

Progress (pfft…)

I spend a lot of time assessing and analysing my grief journey and I've come to believe there is no line or reference point to where you should be or how you should feel at any point after the death of your child. In fact, I hate the word 'progress' and refuse to assess myself…