Pregnancy and Infant Loss beyond October

Two years ago I first heard about pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I don’t know if it was the first time things were shared on Facebook, if it was because I was pregnant at the time or if there were more postings than ever before that made me notice. I remember seeing these posts…

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Stop and smell the roses

For the last three weeks we’ve been on a ‘frangipani watch’ for Elliott’s tree. Each day we come out to see what new flowers have opened, excited to discover what shade of sunset each one is. Each day we put our faces to them and take deep breaths to take in their beautiful scent. Each…

Throwing out drawings

In an attempt to settle the chaos in my head I’m in a state of household cleansing, organising and decluttering. I do this every year on some level but this year I’ve included the task of properly sorting everything I’ve ever kept from Emma and Ashton. Going through every one of those beautiful little baby…

Stillborn babies did live

When we talk about stillbirth it’s easy for people to distance themselves from the full extent of such a reality. Some people have the belief that a baby who never drew breath never lived. Some people think that their family ‘didn’t know’ them. The reality is, a stillborn baby DID live. Their heart beat, their…

Elliott’s castle

Today I was building blocks with my niece who is a few months off from being 3. We were building a castle which she first told me was Goong Goong’s (grandfather’s) then told me, no it’s Por Por’s (grandmother’s) and then said “it’s Elliott’s castle”. A few minutes later she told me again “this is…

Honouring all fathers on Father’s Day

To all the daddy’s with arms that ache for your baby that you hold in your heart, I am sending love and honour your fatherhood to ALL your babies, whether they are earth side or in the stars. I know there’s an isolation and loneliness that comes from being part of a club no one…

Celebrating love

10 years ago I married my high school sweetheart, the man of my dreams, my best friend, my soul mate. The day after we got married I said to Adam, I want to do that again. He laughed and said something along to lines of “oh dear god” and we agreed right there on day…

A heart shaped cloud

I often find myself looking up and out now. I look for the beauty that this magical earth has to give and remind myself how lucky I am to see it. More so, I’m always searching for signs of him in it. A few weeks ago I looked up (as I often do) while I…

Grief brain

Everyone knows what “baby brain” is, but what about grief brain? I had never heard of it and found myself questioning if in fact I had completely lost my marbles after our baby died. I knew my heart was broken but was my brain as well? Yes I knew I’d be completely devastated. But disoriented?…

Finding the new me

No one told me I’d look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back. That overnight I‘d become a stranger in my own body, a body I could no longer trust. I felt completely hollow and although I was breathing, i wasn’t sure if I was living. I smiled and laughed for our…