I often find myself looking up and out now. I look for the beauty that this magical earth has to give and remind myself how lucky I am to see it. More so, I’m always searching for signs of him in it.
A few weeks ago I looked up (as I often do) while I played in the sea with my two earth side babies. There it was, in the perfect place, at the perfect time- a heart shaped cloud floating above us. In an instant I felt like he was there and I was reminded how we carry him with us, always.
Carrying the love of a baby that you can’t see, missing them every single day with every fibre of your being isn’t easy. It’s also not a choice.
Sometimes it’s painfully heavy and feels like I’m drowning in a sea of despair.
Sometimes though, like the moment I saw this beautiful cloud, it feels like sunshine is touching my soul. Perhaps that’s the power of love.
There’s a skeptical side of me that sometimes whispers into my ear that I create these signs for myself. But my heart doesn’t care even if that’s true, and now more than ever I let my heart rule.
These signs or other special moments will never be enough. After all, what could possibly ever be enough to make up for not having your baby in your arms, kissing their cheeks and watching them grow? Nothing. But, it’s something. Something that makes your heart smile. Something that brings comfort, warmth and peace. Something that makes me feel close and connected with him. So I guess that ‘something’ is everything in those moments.