For the last 6 months I feel like I’ve lived in someone else’s body, in someone else’s life. It’s mostly been a great big blur with a whole lot of fog on top.
6 months on I still think about him every day, most of the day.

6 months on the devastating loss still consumes a very large part of me.

6 months on I still cry and internally scream and often want to put my fist through a wall.

6 months on if I close my eyes I can still feel his cold skin on my lips.

6 months on it still hurts beyond words and I have moments where i struggle to breathe.

6 months on I still feel a great part of me is hollow.

6 months on I still have times where I question if this is my life and if it really all happened.

6 months on I’m still so very fragile not taking much to push me into a very dark hole again.

6 months on it feels like we have reached a point where some people are beginning to question why I’m not ok yet.

6 months on some people are less likely to want to hear about it.

6 months on we have felt some doors to us start to close.

BUT…

6 months on I’m still breathing and surviving!

6 months on i’m having more ok days even cherishing a few in a row.

6 months on that version of ok is much better than it was.

6 months on i can (mostly) function on a daily basis.

6 months on I am learning better how to ride those waves and hold on the knowledge I have learnt that they do calm in between the great big crashes.

6 months on I’m getting a bit better at climbing out of those holes I fall in to.

6 months on I can take comfort in signs and other things.

6 months on i am slowly learning to fit into my own skin again.

6 months on I have resolved myself to adjust to and absorb this new life, my new self and am learning how to make it work.

6 months on I have laughed and smiled and felt peace, calm and light amongst the darkness (even if momentarily).

6 months on I am working on building a nice wall in front of me made out of “I don’t give a f***” bricks to block out judgement, unhelpful comments, criticism and uncaring behaviours. A wall I can stand behind in safety not letting those who don’t understand bother me.

6 months on I know the true strength of relationships in our lives (for better or worse).

6 months on I have gained beautiful brand new friendships.

6 months on we love and hug harder than ever.

6 months on I have longer moments of hope that maybe, just maybe everything will be relatively alright (somehow).

So all in all 6 months on the pain and ache is still there often as fresh as ever but I have glimpses of building ourselves around it. It still sucks beyond any words in so many ways, but at least there’s more hope that one day it won’t so much.

Our beautiful Elliott if it’s 6 months like it is now, or 66+ years down the track know how much I’ll love you and I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart, a sound you know well.

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2 thoughts on “6 MONTHS ON… the sad truths and the emerging positives

  1. Next month it will be 6 months for us too. Somedays it feels like years ago, other days it feels like yesterday. I honestly feel like a completely different person to the me I was at the beginning of November, but that’s ok. I’ve accepted that I’ve changed because, like you’ve so beautifuly written, it is not all neccessarily for the worst. 6 months may feel like a long time for some, but in the space of a lifetime, it is nothing. And days, months and years will never cure how much we miss them. We may miss them for a lifetime. but we get to love them for a lifetime too. And I feel greatful to carry that love inside of me forever. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes it changes so many things including ourselves… 6 months really isn’t any time. I do believe we will absolutely miss them forever, love doesn’t die… but one day we might be able to hold onto the love in a less painful way? Yes me too, so grateful for my son, so grateful for being his mother, so grateful for the love.. even with all the pain it gives to no longer have them physically. But have them forever in our hearts. Sending love to you and wish gentle days to you xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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