Soon I should have been spending my first Mother’s Day as a mother of three children including a little baby to coo over. But instead while still a mother of three I’m spending it as not only as a mother but for the first time as a bereaved one. Because of this, the day is so different than it ever has been.
It will still be filled with pride and gratitude that I have for my three children and that I am their mother. I’m sure it will still have levels of joy and happiness and it will definitely have lots of love. But as a first the day includes additional feelings of heartbreak, sadness and despair. There’s an emptiness that wasn’t there before. There’s a heaviness I never knew as I feel the weight of my arms that should be holding him. I feel my chest tight as it sometimes struggles to hold my heavy heart.
Of course I will try to not let my other children know this as I wipe away any tears and give them my smiles as I tell them how much I love them and how grateful I am to be their mum. I’ll squeeze them hard and kiss them lots. I’ll try to be the best mum I can be to them and hope they have a great fun day. But by god I wish I could do all of that to ALL three of my children. Every good thing is so bittersweet now. One day maybe there will be more warmth than sadness as I learn to hold onto the love I have for our angel in an easier way. But this Mother’s Day will not be that day.
I try to counter my heartbreak with comfort knowing I still carry him warmly, tightly and protectively even though not physically. My womb was the only home Elliott knew while his heart was beating and I take comfort that while so short I know his home I gave him was full of love and I hope he knew that. I take comfort in the fact I would rather hold a life time of pain for the honour of being his mother. I take comfort in the pride I have of all my children. I take comfort in knowing how much I love them. Everyone knows the saying “home is where the heart is” so I take comfort in telling myself ALL my babies are home, with the hearts of their mummy and daddy.