I know I spend so much time talking about our Angel baby, what happened and what is happening now. I know at some point (possibly now) many will get tired of hearing about it. Many will question why is it and should it still be so consuming. One of my great fears is that the doors will begin to close to us as everyone else moves on but we don’t.
Please be patient with me, yes I’ll admit it is consuming right now but I’m still in the early stages of our journey. Early stages which involve processing it all… and for me, talking and letting myself feel it all is the only way I can do that. Please be patient as I miss events, forget things, crumble in a mess, repeat myself, tell the same thing to you over and over again and may not be the greatest friend right now. Please be patient as I learn something bigger and more complicated than anything I’ve had to do, and that’s how to live without one of our babies.
Please know I am utterly grateful for absolutely EVERYTHING in my life and more than ever I am so thankful for those around us. I am so blessed especially with our two other healthy amazing children. But sadly all the gratefulness in the world doesn’t take away the great loss we have. It doesn’t change the fact one of our sons has died and doesn’t take away the pain. I am both grateful and in grief at the same time and feel both very deeply.
He had a little life but it wasn’t a little loss. The loss of his life is and will always be as great as any. I didn’t get to know him, but that’s one of the reasons it hurts so much.
We desperately wanted him, we created him, he grew inside. We listened to his heart beat, we felt him grow and kick right up and through the painful labour I went through to bring him into the world. At some point during my labour his little heart gave up and I gave birth to him sleeping. We held him in our arms and then…. we had to say goodbye.
We have lost a whole lifetime with him. We had to let THAT go, I can’t let his memory and what I have left to tie ourselves to him go too.
The pain and grief we feel as bereaved parents isn’t a choice, it can’t just be fixed or rushed to go away and we’ll never truly get over it. This pain, this grief, is just love in a different form, and my love for Elliott, just like our love for Emma and Ashton will never switch off. We just need to work out how to live with it now and let it naturally find its place in our hearts and in our life.
I know I ‘have to be strong’ for our other children, even when I feel so broken, even though its a struggle and totally exhausting to be. They are the primary reason I get up in the morning, they are a beautiful ray of light for us and the fear of any impacts the loss of their brother might have on them weighs on my mind constantly as we try to ensure any impacts are minimal. Everyday I try my best, sometimes it’s enough and sometimes its is not, but the next day I get up (it may be well after lunchtime but I still get up) and try all over again. Sometimes no matter what I tell myself to be strong, or how much someone else tells me I need to be strong, old sticky tape is all that’s left in my box of strength to hold me together.
I know it might seem like a long time to be like this but just as a new mother with a 4 month old baby in her arms would likely be getting used to parenting still, 4 months after Elliott’s death I’m still getting used to being a mother of an angel.