Love, pain, life and loss

This is love

This is pain

This is LIFE

This is loss

This is trying and wanting to protect you

This is my heart expanding with more love and breaking at the same time.

This is the rest of world not existing for that moment feeling you on my skin, marvelling at you and having the gift to put my hands gently on you

This is the moment everything in our life will be marked as being before or after.

This moment is cherished, treasured and precious

This moment is filled with love and warmth, wonder and pride

This moment is mixed with utter devastation and a pain no words could ever describe.

If I could go back to this moment a million times over I would.

What I would do to hold you in my arms just one more time, to kiss your head, your hands, your feet and feel your skin. To whisper into your tiny ears “Mummy loves you”.

You could hear what my heart sounded like from the inside, I hope you know with every beat it beat with love, a song it plays for you and your sister and brother.

I’ll never know at what moment in the last two hours before you were born your little heart stopped, but I know what it feels like to have mine still beating without you.

My heart didn’t just break, I broke too. I’m trying my hardest to stitch myself up for you, your sister, brother and daddy. But I feel more lost than ever today, stuck in the wilderness trying to get home without a map. Maybe your star will shine a light to show me the way.

“Your life is a blessing, your memory a treasure, you are loved beyond words, and missed beyond measure”

You will FOREVER be loved and missed our beautiful Elliott. 


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