So far we’ve passed our first Christmas, many birthdays and New Years without you and now today is Easter Sunday.
Easter has gone a bit under the radar this year. There wasn’t the anticipation built, there was no carrot and letter put out, there were no bunny footprints or fluff left like there normally is. All things I feel incredibly guilty about but just couldn’t muster the energy or strength to get into that spirit this year.
This morning your brother and sister excitedly opened their Easter bag of some goodies and together they lovingly opened one for you too. We lit your ‘special occasion’ candle and together said “happy Easter Elliott”.
I made pancakes for breakfast and your siblings ate them on their new plates they received and I ate mine on yours. After, I washed up three coordinated plates as I watched two children play.
“I can’t believe this is how it will always be”, I thought…
Three children to love but only two I can see.
I thought of how I missed waking up this morning exhausted from broken sleep with you needing to be fed, changed and settled through the night and how I probably would have complained about it as I flipped those pancakes. I thought of how we’ll miss being able to watch you taste chocolate for the first time, capturing the mess over your cheeky face and sharing it with our friends and family on Facebook. How we’ll miss teaching you how to crack eggs for the pancake mix, and mornings with you sitting up at the table eating them with us. Or that we’ll miss you calling me up after you’ve just moved out of home asking me to remind you how to make them.
It’s not helpful to think of all the things we’ll never have with you, I know that. I try very hard using every strategy I have to live in ‘the now’, and the ‘what is’ but the these thoughts can’t always be stopped. They manage to find a way to creep in.
The thing is, we’ll simply miss you… today and always.
Every year you will be so achingly absent from these festivities but I’ll always make sure you’re a part of them in some way. I’ll do this for you hoping you’ll notice, I’ll do it for your brother and sister because it makes them feel better, I’ll do it for your daddy because it’s important to him and I’ll do it for me as we all try in our own way to deal with this painfully noticeable space in your shape left behind. I know I don’t have to do anything in order to remember, honour and love you. I know we can do that simply by keeping you in our heart and I know that’s enough. But it’s something we WANT to do, it’s just part of our journey, a part of our healing, a part of OUR family story.
I will place your new bunny with your other toys that sit in our bedroom, toys that get taken to bed (and other times) by your brother and sister (and sometimes even me) to be tightly cuddled. I will carefully put your plate away in your memory box tonight and will bring it out to use every Easter for you. This will be a new tradition, a part of our new life we’re still trying (and often struggling to) adjust to.
As always I’ll send my kisses to the sky for you as my heart beats a song for you, your siblings and your daddy that says “I love you” a song with a verse just for you that says “I miss you”.
Wherever you are, I’m wishing you a happy Easter darling boy.