I never expected to lose a baby. When I did I didn’t expect it to change nearly every corner of my life. I didn’t expect to be constantly surprised (positively and negatively) by reactions or actions (or lack of) of others. I didn’t expect that this idea of “new normal” really was just that… NEW.
Suddenly you have to discover who you are now and who still loves you with those changes. You have to find who still wants to be part of your life, every part of your life including the new parts, sad parts, shitty and awful parts. After tragedy new people come into your life and old people go. Sometimes those who are there and those who aren’t are those you’d least expect.
I have been holding on so very tightly to the life we had before Elliott, trying so hard to find a way to go back to it simply with the addition of Elliott and how we live without him. The longer I try, the harder my efforts, the more I realise it’s just not going to happen, often left with disappointment that things have changed and that was weighing me down.
I have to allow myself to mourn both my old life and what I THOUGHT my new life would look like. I am concentrating on holding onto my gratefulness for the beautiful, understanding, supportive people I can’t thank enough, well over things that make me angry or upset. I have to let go of hurt, not for others sake but because it’s hurting me. I deserve peace. I deserve to use that energy on my babies, all three of them, not on being upset at certain things I can’t control or change. Letting go of hurt doesn’t mean I will truly forgive, forget or accept but it means I won’t let it burn me up. I have to draw a line in the sand with our need to have Elliott recognised and accepted as an active part of our life. I need to understand and accept that some will stand on the other side of that line and that dynamics in some relationships will change. Elliott exists in a truly special space that not everyone will be part of. That won’t take anything away from us or him.
For me, letting go of hurt and disappointment, learning to establish and truly accept our new normal, even if it’s wildly different to the old one, is freedom.