“I felt scared, shy, confused, sad and lonely. Sometimes I feel like no one cares about Elliott except for my family.” -Emma, 8 years old. 
My daughter knows that I write and share my feelings on all sorts of things on a blog. She asked if she could share her feelings about Elliott on it. This is her first entry, completely in her own words (with some punctuation added from me).

When Elliott died I felt really sad. I have lots of memories about when he was born. When I first went up to see him I was scared and sad and I didn’t want to hold him. But once I sat down and talked to mum about it, it made me feel better and I wanted to hold him. I went back up to Elliott and held him. It made me feel calm and happy and inside me I felt really warm. I looked at him and I knew he was my brother. He was really cute and adorable. He didn’t open his eyes or move. I loved holding him it made me feel nice inside. When I held him his face was cold and he had the same tiny toe nail as me. I talked to him and inside me it felt like he was talking back. I love Elliott so much.

At his ceremony I was going to sing a song in front of everybody but I felt nervous and scared so at the start I didn’t do it. But in the end I did because I felt a bit braver. I felt sad that we had to say good bye to him. I wanted to stay with him and mum and dad when they put him into the stardust box. I really wanted a necklace with some of his stardust in it like mum and dad. And when I go to feel mummy and daddy’s necklaces it feels really warm. 

I love feeling their necklaces it feels like when I held Elliott.

It feels better when I talk about my feelings and worries, especially when they are about Elliott or people I don’t get to see anymore.

I felt scared, shy, confused, sad and lonely. Sometimes I feel like no one cares about Elliott except for my family. 
Sometimes when I think of him I still have lots of sad thoughts. They make me really sad sometimes. I really miss Elliott. I wish Elliott was here. I keep Elliott in my mind. At night sometimes I look at the stars and always know Elliott’s one is the brightest one. Sometimes it might be a planet but i still count it as his star. His star shines so bright and it’s always in the same spot. That’s how I know it’s his one.

On some of my bracelets and even my necklace I have charms to remember him. They always remind me of him. My auntie got me a bracelet it says Elliott’s name. I wear it all the time because it reminds me of him and is really pretty. I love being reminded of him even though it sometimes makes me feel sad. After I’ve cried and feel sad I feel much better. When I am sad I like to snuggle up with my mum and dad and it makes me feel much better. Having someone to talk to about Elliott makes me feel better as well. 

I am sad a lot of the time. And sometimes when I’m sad I also feel scared and angry. And sometimes I accidentally take it out on other people when it’s not their fault. I’ve been drawing pictures about my feelings and using colours and shapes to describe them. Sometimes thinking about Elliott and drawing him in family pictures makes me feel sad because he died and we don’t get to see him. But I still like drawing him in the pictures. Sometimes I’m worried if draw him in pictures I wonder what people will think. 

At night sometimes I cuddle Elliott’s toys. They are really soft. Sometimes I make up little names for them. 

Sometimes I’m scared that people don’t care about him anymore or that people won’t talk about him anymore and forget him. I always know mummy and daddy and my family love Elliott. I really want to include him in more stuff but it won’t be the same if it’s just one of his toys, I really want him to be there. I was looking forward to helping look after him. But I was hoping I wouldn’t have to change his nappy. I would look after him and sometimes feed him and play with him a lot.
When I see other babies I want to look after them. They make me feel happy and excited. Sometimes when I see other babies they remind me of Elliott and I get all upset because I really miss him. I want to see Elliott again but I can’t because he is now stardust. At home we have a box for Elliott which has his stardust in it except for the stardust that’s in mummy and daddy’s necklaces. 
Seeing his stuff makes me sad but at the same time better. Seeing his things makes me feel better because at least we still have memories.

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