This came up on Pinterest recently when I was searching for party ideas for our oldest son. It hit me to the core.
I have been avoiding organising his party as the task felt so overwhelming. Not just because my energy levels and passion are simply not what they were before losing Elliott, but also due to the thoughts and memories of his last party taking over. Memories of being 12+ weeks pregnant with Elliott, being so sick but so happy. My little bump was starting to really pop out and I was so proud to show it off, with our family placing their hands on it, on him, with love.
Back then I was struggling with the party prep between being bed ridden and vomiting. Now that all seems like a breeze compared to the struggles now. I’d happily choose to be sick for the rest of my life if it meant he was here now to celebrate his brothers birthday.
I think it kills me inside a bit more knowing how much Ashton, the ever doting brother, would love to have him at his party (and everyday). Just the other day he had a little cry and said (which was not unusual) “I miss Elliott mummy, I wish he was here, I’ll never forget him”. No matter how many times he says these things it always rips my heart apart.
Every celebration, every special occasion, our baby somehow feels missing even more than every other day. I feel robbed and cheated of our blissful happiness on times we should have it, with every special event or moment now ranging from bittersweet to outright painful.
Yes, life was so different this time last year. We had new dreams, new hopes, plans for our future that included our son. We had that incredible excitement that comes with the anticipation of a very wanted and loved baby. Now we have a life of adjusting to those broken dreams and hopes, trying to find our new path and searching to ease the pain that has replaced the excitement. I don’t know if the painful comparisons to the same time in the past stops as the years go on. If it doesn’t, hopefully I’ll get better at dealing with it.
I hold onto the fact that what hasn’t changed is our want and love for Elliott. I will love and want him for the rest of my life. I hold onto the hope that he knows that.