Today is Elliott’s 1st birthday.
The last twelve months have gone by so quickly in a lot of fog and blur. We’ve reached (and lived in) emotional heights of despair, desperation, sadness, loss, anger, pain, questioning, guilt and disbelief that we didn’t know were possible. We’ve also discovered the true strength in ourselves, as a couple, as a family and most importantly, the true strength of love. A love that transcends death.
Despite the intense sadness today is one of pride, honour and love.
Between the pain I’m filled with warmth remembering the moment I saw him for the first time. How I marvelled at his beautiful face that looked just like Ashton, his perfect little hands and feet, his amazing tiny fingernails. Remembering the same feeling I had when Emma and Ashton were born, that love bubble that engulfs you, wraps you up and almost suffocates you as you know you wouldn’t hesitate for a second to stand in front of a bus to protect them. Remembering his smell and feeling his skin on mine. Remembering kissing him and whispering how much I love him.
My heart aches in great pain missing him so very much. It also swells with love and pride that I am his mother and always will be. The pain it seems is the price we pay for love.
Today is without a doubt tragic and sad. It is both his birthday and anniversary of his death. Today however we have chosen to do our best to not look at the goodbye but celebrate the hello and honour him and his life.
Today we treasure his memory, celebrate his life and honour him.
Today we miss him a bit more than we do every other day.
Today we love him as we’ve loved him the last 12 months and the 21 weeks before that.
His life may have been short but the love that stayed will last forever.
He may have been born silent into the world but his life spoke volumes.
To our darling beautiful boy Elliott,
There has not been a single day that has gone by where we haven’t thought of you. Not a single day where we haven’t yearned for you and missed you. There are no words to describe the pain we’ve had from the loss we’ve endured from you leaving but that’s only because there are no words to describe the love we have for having you.
Mummy and daddy miss you, your brother and sister miss you and other friends and family members miss you too. We send kisses to the sky for you now and always.
We hope you are having a wonderful day wherever you are. I hope your grandparents who are up there are giving you some yummy cake today and those hugs I miss from them so much as well. I hope some other special people missing from this earth are also with you caring for you and loving you. I hope you are surrounded with all your angel friends playing and having a wonderful time. Tonight we’ll look at the special galaxy we’re going to hang up from stars friends and family have made for you. Tonight I hope I’ll be able to sing happy birthday to you in the hope you’ll hear it. Tonight your siblings will blow out your candle and like every time someone says “make a wish”, I’ll wish for you.
Happy birthday our little star, our cheeky fox, our beautiful boy. We love you more than you could ever know. Shine bright and fly free baby.
Love Mummy, Daddy, your sister Emma and brother Ashton Xoxo