The lead up to Elliott’s due date has been truly awful, harder than I thought it would be. I often felt like I was drowning in the waves of grief, struggling to come up for air. I began to plan an event to commemorate then cancelled as it all became too much and I wanted to ignore the time and hide until it was over…

In the end we decided we did want to do something and went down to the beach and took his urn. We flew a kite for him, wrote his name in the sand and surrounded it with flowers then placed the flowers in the sea for him. While there I finally felt a sense of peace I was hoping for, a sort of calmness. There’s something amazing about the beach, its where i feel most connected to Elliott. Maybe it’s the vastness of the ocean, the beauty of watching the light on the ocean, knowing you love your baby more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches, feeling the sea breezes taking your sorrows with them.. or the thought of the angel babies playing in wind.

I’m exhausted today and feel quite ’empty’ for lack of a better word but have managed so far to hold onto a tiny bit of that peace. What I want more than anything is for all my children, including Elliott to KNOW and FEEL how loved they are. I’m not sure what happens now.. I feel as the day goes on that peace slipping slowly slowly but I’m gripping as tight as I can to it.

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