2018 was an extreme roller coaster of a year. It was a year with magic and joy, so many laughs, so much love and the most beautiful memories made. It was also one with a some of our greatest struggles and difficulties we’ve ever had to face, a year of continued and new heartache and [...]
Tag: guilt
A brother’s grief, 16 months on
The first word Ashton learnt to write was his own name. The second was his brother’s. I had no idea he could write it until a remembrance event where he showed me the bamboo candle boat he decorated with Elliott’s name on it. “That’s so beautiful darling, who helped you with his name?”, I asked. [...]
7 months on…
7 months... Every month on the same day (the 28th) no matter how good the day or week was, as the night draws in I'm brought back to the fact time is passing. Another milestone to hurdle over when I never trained for jumping such heights. I'm glad to say I'm having more genuinely good [...]
Learning that it’s ok to have a good time
I am (or was) a social person. In fact I've made my career out of talking. I love to dress up and meet with friends. And yet when my best friend bought tickets for us to go see a show I panicked thinking "how am I going to do this?" (especially knowing it was on [...]
6 MONTHS ON… the sad truths and the emerging positives
For the last 6 months I feel like I've lived in someone else's body, in someone else's life. It's mostly been a great big blur with a whole lot of fog on top. 6 months on I still think about him every day, most of the day. 6 months on the devastating loss still consumes [...]
The tug of war of emotions
I am often torn between wanting to feel and be better, and wanting to and being in a state of deep mourning. Sometimes I want to just lay in bed and feel the hurt. Sometimes it feels like staying in that dark place is a way of staying connected to him. I have had thoughts that [...]
When a simple thing like getting sick becomes a huge trigger
I had bad morning sickness with all three of my pregnancies, but Elliott's was by far the worse. It was hard and I really struggled. We made the decision despite the fact I wanted more babies that he would be the last as I couldn't think I could go through pregnancy again. I struggled with [...]
The sadness of my birthday…
It's my birthday soon... and I'm so very sad with such a heavy heart. Not because I'll be a year older, but because there is something so very huge missing from our lives.. because I can't celebrate with all my children. Last year I was so excited to turn 30. I couldn't wait. It was [...]
Foxes and Stars
Like stars, foxes have also become a special symbol of our baby. My sister purchased a star for Elliott on the day he was born located in the "Indus" constellation (which amazingly is the brand name of the blanket we laid him on to rest) and Indus means "little fox". I don't think we'll ever [...]
The silence is deafening
I never knew the true meaning behind "the silence is deafening" until we came home from hospital empty handed and broken hearted. The loneliness of the night where it was still and quiet. Where I felt for the first time the silence pounding in my ears and all I could think of is "I should be hearing my baby [...]
Elliott's Stardust 